When were you happiest?


Probably one of the times I lost my virginity.

 

What is your greatest fear?

 

‘Eternal return’ being a mechanic of reality & having to relive every moment of my existence as Dominic Francis again repeatedly for the rest of eternity (which becomes an illusory concept if you consider the fact that time is a human concept).


As a result of what I have just written, I’d like to change my answer. I’m most afraid of the possibility that ‘material’ objects feel pain.

 

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
 

Picking my nose and eating it.

 

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
 

I despise people not making any effort to properly engage with me when it is to both our mutual benefits that they do.

 

What was your most embarrassing moment?
 

I was at a fantastic house party in 2012 hosted by Europeans.

 

At about 11pm, I heard a voice that sounded just like mine shout ‘I am Satan’. It was much louder than the harmless & often interesting auditory hallucinations I’ve been having since I was a four-year-old.

 

I lost control of my body. I fell to the floor.
 

I thought I was having a heart attack because I then felt a huge pain in my chest. I was sure I was about to die, so I started masturbating manically. All hell broke loose in the room. I’d been kissing a girl a couple of minutes before, so I had a boner. I was high on acid & had drunk a bottle of wine.

 

I never revealed the fact that I ‘heard voices’ to anyone until I was arrested for the first time a month later. After spending 48 hours in solitary confinement, I was interviewed by a nonchalant police officer. I confessed to my use of drugs and told her that I did hear voices. Back then I thought cops were the good guys. It was the police who sent me to Coventry mental hospital.

 

Property aside, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?

 

An iMac.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

 

I haven’t ever really thought about it because I think I’m relatively good to look at usually. I reckon the thing I most dislike about my appearance is that I’m not the spitting image of Bob Dylan.

 

What is the worst thing anyone’s said to you?

 

The talented comedian Rob Grant told me “You’re not funny” in a Muswell Hill coffee shop. I’d shown him some of my ‘comic’ writing, which I obviously wanted to be funny.

I don’t know if that’s the ‘worst’ thing anyone’s ever said to me, though, man. At the insane asylums I used to frequent a high percentage of people thought Hitler was a good man. I can’t remember exactly what they said, but I’ve heard many sentences that assault morality.

 

Nowadays I’m in a position where I can happily say that comedy can suck my left tit. Nothing is ever inherently funny about this world or Universe. Period. Existence may not be all that complex and we may already be in hell.

 

But there are many ways to enjoy yourself. Anything that’s novel is great. Nothing is funny to me anymore. I love Rob Grant’s work. I read his novel ‘Fat’ once when I was 15 and once when I was 24. I loved that book.

 

I don’t know why he didn’t like the writing I showed him when I was 16, but whatever 😉

 

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
 

Porn.

 

Have you ever said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?


Yep.

 

What do you owe your parents?

 

Everything. But they owe me too.

 

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?

 

All the animals and insects I have killed. Maybe I’ll get killed by one of them one day.

 

Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?

Leonard Cohen, Eliza Gearty, Bob Dylan, Luisa Thiel, Georgina Masefield, Barack Obama, Sam Raven, Carlos DaSilva, Kanye West, Soko, my brother, my dad, Sinead O’Connor and Jesus Christ.

 

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
 

Sublime, God, ‘you couldn’t make it up’ & ‘you know’.
 

What is the worst job you’ve done?


Walking a thousand metres to the job centre and being interviewed by a loser. I was particularly crippled back then.

 

When did you last cry, and why?

 

I can’t remember, because my memory of past events is affected by my brain damage and the fact that I only refer to the past when necessary.

 

How often do you have sex?
 

Pretty rarely.

 

What is the closest you’ve come to death?
 

When I jumped off Archway Bridge. And when I jumped while on a rollercoaster. I think the former had more lasting consequences though.

 

What has been your closest brush with the law?
 

When I was in solitary for two days, obviously I wasn’t allowed to see my family. I thought I would never get out.

 

What song would you like played at your funeral?
 

God Knows Your Burden by Walking Doctor Tonnan (me)

 

https://tonnan.bandcamp.com/track/god-knows-your-burden

 

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

Don’t have babies.